Rogers-isms, the Cowboy Philosopher on the Peace Conference

#General #Humor
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Excerpt ALIBI There is no particular reason why I should horn in on you Public with a Book, But thats just when they seem to write them, When theres no need or reason for them, The shorter white Paper gets the more careless these Pen Hounds get with it, All my friends advise me to go ahead Will and write it cause you wont annoy people with it like these other Writers do with theirs, Nobody will read yours When a Guy has never grazed educationally any further than McGuffeys fourth Reader his ravings aint liable to throw any jealous scare into Literary Circles, Grammar and I get along like a Russian and a BathTub, In fact Americans are getting to dote too much on Grammar and Good Manners, They say the most perfect English in this country is spoken in Sing Sing, And at the Federal Prison in Atlanta, They claim a Knife never touched a Lip, So you see where that junk leads you too, I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some fellow had already done it, In fact I figure that the fellow who dont write on the war will be a novelty, There is so many Books on the War that no two people will have to read the same Book. Then the War was too serious a subject I could not write on it, But the Peace Feast, That seemed to offer a better field for Humor provided you stick to the facts, I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable source, And as I dont want to see the World grow up in ignorance on this historical subject I would really feel selfish and mean too withold it, Heres how I got it, There is a fellow I know, Who had a friend, And this friends Sister had a sweetheart and he was a Soldier in France and his cousins pal was a Bunkie of Col Houses Chouffer, The Col told his Chouffer So you see my information comes from the same place Pres Wilsons does, So Here Goes Under The Bottom With THE FIRST PEACE BOOK, THE PEACE CONFERENCE Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the time Pres Wilson said to Germany "We wont deal with you as long as you occupy invaded Territory." Well the Kaiser come right back at him and said, "If you can show us how we can give it up any faster than we are I wish you would do it," Now the Armistace was signed, and Germany agreed to quit running at eleven oclock on a certain day, Of course we got the word a couple of days before it was really signed, Making everybody have TWO DRUNKS where one would have done just as well, It would have been signed on this first day But the German Generals whom they sent out to sign up, had never been to the front and dident know just where it was, The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the western front then he said, "No I will just wait a few days till it comes to me," Our Show was playing in Philadelphia when the first Armistace was signed, (The one the saloon men framed up) I was a bit leary of it all the time as I had been there once before when the Union League Club had paraded for a Mr Hughes, Then later they had to put the Parade back, I had always believed Phila to be slow and here it was 2 days ahead of the Facts At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser, I thought he should have been brought to this Country and made to clean the streets after that first Armistace day, A funny thing the Armistace was signed about the time the returns of the last election come in. The Germans and the Democrats learned their fate on the same day, When the war was over the Kaiser called his 6 sons to him and said, "Now boys we better duck Cause this war is over and you boys can get hurt Now," The thing that hurt the Kaiser worse than losing the war, Was that in all the Armistace terms they dident even mention his name, Everybody commence talking about the Peace Conference and who was to go, Some Republican Senators went so far as to engage a lower birth, There was so much argument about who was to go, That Pres Wilson says I tell you what, "We will split 50-50 I will go and you fellows can stay," At last we were going to get even with them for all their commissions coming over here, You know for a while COMMISSIONS were coming so fast, That we were lucky to find a fellow who knew what Flag to put out each day, We were meeting Servian Commissions with Romanian Flags, Of course there were nations coming at that time who had not enough to support a flag, Thats why the commission were here to place a Flag Contract, Now to get to my Peace trip, About three months are supposed to have elapsed between the last Paragraph and this one, All of which time was taken up by Congress talking, (see congressional Record) Finally Pres Wilson got tired listening to them and walked out on them, If it had not been to get away from Congress, I have my doubts if he would have gone to Europe, Now for the Number 2 Peace trip, This Peace trip is not an original Idea, (It was originated by some obscure Manafacturer of Knick Nacks,) Name furnished at advertising rates, Its always the same, the fellow who originates anything or starts something new is generally called a nut, The next fellow comes along takes his Idea improves on it and of course is a smart man, Of Course this No 2 Company used better Judgement than the first one....
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